(cont. from page 1)

My life was on a totally different road but my direction was still the same. I was obsessed with religion and poured myself into it just as I had done with everything else in my life. I was going to figure out the meaning of life single handedly & open up the mysteries of living as an “Empowered Christian”. I began to read everything I could get my hands on (remember, for me that was a big ordeal); listened to tape after tape after tape to see what all the "experts" were saying; and I went to every church service, event, meeting and luncheon I could just to be around those who had what I wanted. But again, I found myself saying there must be more.

I was never the biggest kid growing up. In fact, I did a lot of things that doctors, teachers, society, and even my own family didn't think I could or would do. You see my heart was a lot larger than my body. My motto was "tell me I can't and I'll prove to you I can." I would push and push myself until I had no more to give and then I would retreat into petty, routine behavior, refusing to do anything beyond what was formally given to me. I share this with you not so you will look at me and say, "Man, he has the heart of a winner…" On the contrary, I share it with you so you can see how I was setting myself up for failure.

True burnout doesn't appear suddenly - and it doesn't just disappear after a good nights sleep!

What I had forgotten was that God, not I was in control. Everything that I was "Doing for Him" kept me from a true relationship with him. I was back in my mode. Buckle down and put your nose to the grindstone. Burn…Burn…Burn… Be the perfect Christian at work (so no one misses heaven because of you) and always have a smile and make everyone feel "goose-pimply" when you see them. Stay late after church and help the pastors even if it means until 4 a.m., open your house and your life to your friends and even people you don't know in order to meet their needs, and on and on and on…

And then I found myself putting on a false front. Not one of deception really just one of defense. Something called Depersonalization, a state of emotional withdrawal in which I was responding to everyone around me with coldness, callousness and even hostility. In the medical field a "depersonalized" nurse may refer to "the kidney in room 34" rather than "Mr. Taylor." It was my way of shielding my true self from others demands. It was not as if I was lashing out at anyone, it was more of like I expected everyone to let me down so I shut them off before they could. One of the greatest gifts God gave me (my compassion for others), was slowly but surely being buried further and further down within my person. Covered by layer upon layer of material accomplishments, false securities, and fake expectations. I began dealing with a "general erosion of the spirit." Loss of enthusiasm for work or family, trouble concentrating, reduced creativity, depression, alienation, and even a little paranoia and psychosis (no one likes me, they are all talking about me, etc…). I had created within myself something that was so deep and so complex that it would take years to overcome completely.

You see I had forgotten what it was I had found in Pensacola. I did not find a job, or a mate, or my house note, or my perfect "Brady Bunch family," or my Dean's list, or my ministry, or any of that………. I found GOD. It was that on which my happiness and fulfillment was grounded. God didn't come in and tell me " Thank you not for what you can give me, or thank you for the money you made me, or thank you for all the things you accomplished on your to-do-list." He came in and said "Let me take all your burdens so you can spend your time Loving Me." Don't worry about your finances--just love Me. Don't worry about your relationship with your family--just love Me. Don't worry about your school--just love Me. Don’t worry about helping me DO ANYTHING--just enjoy life and love Me. For if you "Seek ye first My kingdom and My righteousness all these things will be given unto you."

My candle still burns at both ends most of the time, but I have learned that it is not me that lit it…it's GOD! And knowing who is in charge gives me the peace of mind that I don't have to have all the answers all the time as long as I remember He does have a purpose for me. He taught me that in order for something to burn out it must first be on fire!!